A Letter to Dubai, About Nothing Much

Dear Dubai,

I hate to complain, because you have been quite lovely to us so far, BUT...

(1) Why do your tv shows (crappy as they may be) often start at ten minutes, and then forty minutes, past the hour? Was top and bottom of the hour too common for you? And what's with the obsession with "PAM: Girl on the Loose"? (I notice that you air the episode where Pam visits Abu Dhabi and frolics half-naked in the fountains an awful lot.)

(2) Why do you have electrical outlets that require three prongs, when nearly everything sold here is made with the European two prong plug? Must everyone spend a sizable portion of his or her income on those annoying converters? As if I wasn't sufficiently devastated to come here and learn that most of our electronics are of the wrong voltage (we toasted a supposed voltage transformer before relegating all of our beloved portable DVD players, flat irons, etc., to a lonely dark corner of the storage room), now I am finding out that even the stuff that I buy here doesn't work straight out of the box. Maddening!

(3) What's with all the bidets? And how on earth does a person utilize one? Could you provide a diagram or something? And I have no idea whether that little hose is there to clean the bottom of the bathroom or the bottom of my bottom. (It's actually a legitimate inquiry, considering that the bathroom floors all have drains in them for easy washing.)

(4) While we're on the subject of bathrooms, why, why, why are all of the toilet flushers those silly buttons on top of the tank instead of the convenient handles? Have you never met a 3-year-old?? (I come across an unfortunate number of child-size souvenirs throughout the day simply because poor Sushi, unable to reach the flusher, had no choice but to abandon them there.)

(5) I have to tell you, your placement of bathroom light switches on the walls OUTSIDE the bathrooms is enough to make a person crazy. Haven't you ever wanted to do your business in the semi-darkness out of concern for the environment or something and then, midway through, realized that a little light could be beneficial? Did you even ponder the embarrassment involved in getting oneself dressed, opening the door, reaching a disembodied hand out, groping around on the wall, and then ducking back in to finish what one started? Sheesh.

(6) Also re: light switches: they are about 8 feet up on the wall. I am 34 and sometimes even I consider asking for help. At this rate, my children are not going to be self-sufficient in their own home until they graduate from college.

(7) Why is there all this peer pressure to wear SLIPPERS? Are we globe trotters or grandmothers? I get that marble floors are cold and unwelcoming, but the slipper thing is such a phenomenon here that the convenience stores have huge bins of them, and people dig through the heaps as if there were diamonds hidden in there. (Speaking of diamonds, I had a momentary lapse of judgment and actually bought a pair of house slippers-- all shiny gold sequins to entertain the kids, was my thinking-- but I tossed them in the trash as soon as PopPop wondered aloud if they wouldn't look more complete with curled-up toes.) In fact, if you can believe it, I became the subject of neighborhood gossip for the first time recently when I walked outside in my pajamas: the local housemaids later giggled to Raquel that they had seen her "madame" with no slippers on! Oooh, the scandal! Feet!

(8) Dude, you have to do something about (a) the traffic (it's reminiscent of L.A., where it can take half an hour to travel five miles); (b) the traffic circles (Zia actually quizzed Daddy on a diagram because there are many rules pertaining to such driving institutions and one false move could result in your going around and around indefinitely); and (c) the ever-present construction (en route to the mall, Zia routinely off-roads it in the sand for a stretch to avoid a particularly crowded building zone; somehow I don't think that's what the makers of our sweet little rented minivan intended).

(9) You charge me for a shopping cart at the convenience store. As in, each cart has a little chain and I have to pay a small ransom to set one free. How rude. Is this your way of getting back at me for not charging us sales or income tax?

and

(10) Do me a favor, Dubai. This one little thing and then all else will be forgiven. Ready? GET. TIVO. It's 2008. You are constructing the world's tallest building, you just completed the world's largest aquarium, last week you hosted the world's largest fireworks display (that is, until tonight, when your buddy Abu Dhabi is poised to steal your title)... you can handle a DVR. In fact, perhaps if you had something to record it with, just maybe you wouldn't need to show that Pam Anderson episode so very much.

xoxo,
Mommy