Consider Me Culturally Understood.

Recently I visited the Sheikh Mohammed Centre for Cultural Understanding. During our nearly two-hour session, about 20 of us sat on the floor sampling traditional Arabic foods while an Emirati woman (meaning, she is native to this region and enjoys certain privileges reserved for nationals) answered our questions. We were not given any guidelines and therefore no subjects were off-limits.

Here I will do my best to recreate some of the dialogue. I must say at the outset, however, that I was not taking notes during the actual session, and I'm assuming these answers represent the viewpoints of just one Emirati woman (albeit one who has been given authority to speak on behalf of Arab culture!), so please don't quote me or take any of this as definitive gospel. Just trying to give you a sense of my experience.

[See if you can guess which questions *I* asked. Hint: it will be obvious.]

Q: What do we need to know in terms of etiquette?

A: It is very important never to take anything using your left hand. Always use your right hand to give and receive things. Even if you are left-handed, you take with your right, and then transfer to your left.

Also, it is considered impolite not to eat what is put in front of you. We believe that any gift or food that is presented to you was predetermined as yours from the moment that it was created or grown. So, for example, if someone pours you a cup of coffee, you should drink it, because the coffee beans used to make it were intended for you from the time of their creation. Similarly, we do not send each other thank you notes for gifts, since it is God whom we should be thanking for creating that gift for us.

Q: Why offer this forum?

A: This type of question-and-answer forum is nothing new; in fact, by law the Sheikhs are required to have an open forum once a month in which all Emirati citizens are invited to come and ask questions and present their concerns. There is one Sheikh who uses a retina-scanning machine for his visitors and will reject anyone who has asked him a question within the past 6 months. Technically, this is improper.

Q: What percentage of marriages are arranged in the UAE?

A: Let me say the answer and then quickly clarify it. One hundred percent of marriages here are arranged. But wait! Proposed arrangements can be rejected. There is one woman here at the Centre who has many men wanting to marry her, but she has rejected them all, usually on the basis that they are not yet financially secure. Oftentimes, though, parents strongly encourage their children to heed their suggestions of whom to marry; parents know children better than children know themselves. Also we tend to marry at a young age. If you are a woman and not married by 27, men will just assume you are too high-maintenance.

A: Is dating allowed?

Q: No, we do not date romantically before marriage. If you like someone, you marry that person. If it does not work out, you get divorced. It is no big deal to get divorced; there is no stigma here in the UAE. Many divorces occur right after the honeymoon, even if the marriage was consummated, which is fine. We would much rather that young people get married and then divorce instead of having relations before marriage. If a man and a woman are caught in a car together doing something inappropriate, then they will be married.

But by the way, this is not to suggest that we are opposed to sex. Once you are married, anything goes!--with the exception of necrophilia and anal sex. You are married, after all, you should enjoy this person! There is a store here that sells sex toys and lingerie, go ahead and buy them!

A: What happens if you get pregnant outside of marriage?

Q: This would be a very big problem. If you get pregnant, you had better get married right away. If you are pregnant and unmarried, you could go to jail for 10 years. Sure, this sounds harsh, but it is not difficult to avoid getting pregnant when you are not married.

Q: Is birth control permitted?

A: Within marriage, yes, although only insofar as you are attempting to space out your children. Large families are encouraged, and most Emirati women have 5 to 8 kids. We believe that it is best for the health of the mother to allow for 2 years between births, however, so we encourage birth control for this purpose.

A: Are men allowed to have more than one wife?

Q: Yes, technically a man is allowed to have up to 4 wives, but the vast majority of them have only one wife. Imagine how you'd feel if your husband came home and said he wanted another wife; we feel the same way. Really, the idea of multiple wives is most useful for motivating women to treat their husbands in the way they should be treated, it keeps us on our toes. Sometimes we are amazed by the way Western women treat their husbands: they don't even bother to stand up to greet them when they enter the room. How could you not stand up to greet him? He is your husband!

[Editorial Note: (laughing).]

Q: Does the culture promote the subordination of women, both in attitude and in dress?

A: No. First of all, we choose to wear the abaya (black robe) and headscarf. We feel that we have been instructed by God to cover ourselves, and it is between us and God to honor that instruction. Now, there is disagreement among Muslims as to how much of our faces are required to be covered, if any; this is why you will see some women with only their head and neck wrapped in a scarf, whereas other women cover everything but their eyes, and other women put their entire face behind a veil. Sure, covering our heads and bodies is a bit uncomfortable at first, especially in the summer heat, but you get used to it, just in the same way that you get used to the discomfort of wearing a bra. And no, it doesn't always have to be a black robe; you will sometimes see other colors worn in other regions. It's just a matter of tradition.

Second, we believe that men were put on this earth, whereas women are being borrowed from God. So in that sense, we are more valuable than men. It is why sometimes you see a woman following behind her husband; he is protecting her.

[Editorial Note: Not entirely sold on that last part, based on some couples I've observed.]

Q: Do Muslim men really believe that when they die, they will be presented with 72 virgins in heaven?

A: The 72 "virgin" thing is a bit misleading; it suggests a sexual nature when none is intended. The idea is that a man who goes to heaven is rewarded with 72 *perfect beings*. Women, on the other hand, are simply reunited with God when we go to heaven.

Q: I'm Jewish. How scared should I be living here?

A: [chuckles] Not scared at all! We believe that Jews, Christians, and Muslims all worship the same God, and that our religious texts are just 3 volumes of the same book. That said, you will certainly find people here who are willing to argue with you on the topic of Israel; for many people this is an emotional subject. When we hear someone declare that they are Jewish, we usually brace ourselves for an argument about Israel. Otherwise, we assume, why would they be telling us of their religion? We consider religion a subject that is most appropriate for the home. But no, you shouldn't be scared. In fact, sometimes Islam hardly feels like the predominant religion in the UAE; have you seen the way Christmas decorations take over the shopping malls? And if you encounter an occasional person here who expresses prejudice about your religion, there are prejudiced people everywhere, even in your own country.

Q: So then why are there no synagogues in the UAE?

A: If there are enough Jewish people here, then it can be assumed that the Sheikh would grant them land for a synagogue, just as he has done for the Christian people and the Hindu people.

[Editorial Note: Very encouraging, but too good to be true? Hmmm....]

[Editorial Note to the Editorial Note: According to Wikipedia, 96% of the UAE population practices Islam; there are 31 Christian churches and 1 Hindu temple here.]

* * * *

All in all, the Centre was a totally interesting experience. I plan to go again soon; have any questions you'd like me to ask? xo.

p.s. If you're in the mood for even more cultural understanding, you can check out a little blurb about each of the Five Pillars of Islam at

http://www.islam101.com/dawah/pillars.html