Dr. Mommy Strikes Again

Ok, so I'll be the first to admit that I don't know a thing about MUMPS.  (What the hell is that word about, anyway; some goofy Doogie Howser kid must have discovered the first case.  It's really embarrassing to say it aloud and in a serious manner, try it.)  Anyway, I was blissfully unaware of mumps and/or the symptoms of mumps until this morning, when Sushi woke up crying at 5 am with a swollen jawline.  In an instant, I was at the computer, googling symptoms and of course only visiting the search results that seemed really dire (why be hopeful or optimistic when being negative and fatalistic allows you so much more delightful misery to wallow in?).  What I at first thought was an ear infection gone mad was soon, I discovered, a likely case of mumps!

Of course most reasonable people would discount the mumps theory on the bases that mumps hasn't really been big since the '60s *and* that their children had already been successfully immunized against said disease... BUT! those people would be overlooking the critically important fact that the mumps vaccine is ONLY 80% effective!  And that percentage is probably only accurate domestically-- lord only KNOWS what virulent strains of mumps are on the loose here in the Middle East!  Yes, it's the mumps, it is contagious, we are screwed.

Which meant that today was D-Day (no, MD-Day)... the moment when I would finally have to get down into the trenches and find ourselves a pediatrician... a task made all the more daunting by the stock responses I had been receiving from the school moms when I inquired as to their physician choices: "Oh, it's very hard to find a good pediatrician in Dubai" or better, for those of us who are ripe candidates for Hypochondriacs Anonymous, "Yes, we have one, but he's not very capable."  Or wait, there's this one, which I think gave me a minor stroke: "Many of the doctors are here in Dubai because they weren't good enough to make it in their own countries."  Note to self: explore Christian Scientist.

But here we were, now at 7:30 am on a weekend, tending to a crying 3-year-old who was alternating between complaints of a sore ear, a sore chin, and sore teeth (in fairness, the swelling wasn't *that* bad; in fact, certain light suggested that she'd just been going too heavy into the Oreos again), so action had to be taken.  I sent out some furious texts to anyone I could think of in Dubai and within minutes, had received this reply: "Try Dr. K.  He advertises 24/7 availability.  I think he's from New Jersey."  Sold!  My peeps!  

Now it should be noted that this was not the first I had heard of Dr. K.  Our neighbor had mentioned him to us once in response to my occasional nagging, but dismissively: "He's a Pakistani trained in the U.S.  We go to him for minor issues but not more."  I remember wondering at the time how a doctor could earn such a dubious distinction; what misstep did this guy make to suggest such limited expertise?  Did he only complete the first two years of med school?  But admonitions be damned, we were off to meet Dr. K.  

Wasn't sure what to expect when we pulled up to his office, which was contained in a building that looked more like an apartment complex.  A pointy-shaped doorway opened up into a sprawling, wooden-floored waiting room, where a man wearing a stethoscope around his neck was sitting at the reception area.  Are you the doctor or just a tragically overqualified secretary, sir?

Of course it was the doctor, who, it appeared, on weekends wore many hats: physician, receptionist, insurance paperwork person, etc.  Which was fine with me, especially because he saw us right away.  (Ah, well, he *had* to, didn't he-- no way for him to hide behind some bored-looking teenager at the front desk who could tell me to take a seat, the doctor was with another patient.)

The examination room was familiar enough, save for the fact that the paper-covered table stretched almost the entire length of the room (to accommodate the oversized German children, no doubt!), and Dr. K. went through all the usual niceties before checking out the patient.  After prodding around Sushi's face for a bit, he ruled out the following:

(a) mumps (this news brought both relief and disappointment, heaven knows I hate being wrong, particularly when it comes to my medical training);

(b) a tooth abscess; 

and 

(c) a salivary gland infection.

Which left me with every mother's most loathed diagnosis: "Probably nothing; call me if the symptoms get worse."

To which I replied, "Aargh!  What's wrong with you, man?  Have you no eyes?  She is blowing up like a balloon!  There is obviously some lethal undetected agent madly invading this child's defenseless little body, soon to take up residence in my other two children's faces as well!  Wait, are you one of those doctors who relocated to the UAE simply because you could not cut it in New Jersey?  Under what circumstances, exactly, DID you lose your license?"  (Well even if I didn't say this I did think it, loudly. *Plus* I gave him a dirty look when he wasn't facing me, which I could tell unnerved him slightly.)

At that point I smiled a polite thank you, Sushi readily accepted her Ariel sticker and Cinderella tattoo (I'll give him this, the guy applies some mean temporary body art), and we were on the road again.  While I found him to be nice enough, the lack of a concrete diagnosis left me unfulfilled and genuinely doubting the man's qualifications.  Suddenly I understood what it meant to be a doctor for minor issues only.

So where does that leave the swollen head?  Well, regular administration of Children's Motrin has largely kept the crying at bay, and the swelling may be going down (difficult to say because it was rather hard to detect in the first place).  My new theory is that Sushi has developed some kind of repetitive stress injury in her jaw due to her near-incessant thumb-sucking....

or maybe it's really mumps.  I'm serious.  I'm getting a second opinion from an infectious disease specialist.  Watch me.  I'll stop at nothing to prove that illness is everywhere, EVERYWHERE!  Now go wash your hands with antibacterial soap.  And be careful.  I'm pretty sure mumps is back.